Compassionate communication

(also known as Nonviolent Communication )

So why bother with compassionate language then?

Helps people remain empathetic with each other, even in situations fraught with anger or frustration.

Teaches people to speak to others without blaming and to hear personal criticisms without withering.

Pays attention to core needs – your own as well as the other person’s needs.

BLOCKS TO COMPASSIONATE LANGUAGE
based on Marshal Rosenberg’s ‘Nonviolent communication’.

Forms of judgment:

Moralistic judgements are made when people and/or their behaviour don’t support our value judgement.

Examples:

• Judgement ‘The problem with you is that…’
• Blame or criticism ‘Your KPIs  came back too late!’
• Insults or put-downs ‘We’re always waiting for your sign off’
• Labels or comparisons ‘The German testers don’t let us down like this’

Moralistic judgements are not the same as value judgments
e.g., in life we might value honesty or flexibility.

Making comparisons

Comparative thinking has a power over us that is often underestimated. When we dwell on differences between ourselves and others, we often start to feel miserable and/or depressed. This is especially the case when we compare our achievements with people who in our eyes have achieved more than we have.

• ‘She has more qualifications than me.’
• ‘I am not good at programming in this language.’
• ‘They are more experienced than me.’

Denial of responsibility

When we use words like ‘should’ or ‘have to’ we act as if we’re being told to do it. It makes the impression that we are not taking responsibility.

We often use what I call ‘fame or blame’: contributing how we feel to what other people have said or done, and with that not taking responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions.